The Lampstand Prince
by Nizuno Mikomi
Summary: My first GW fic, pls be gentle. SHOUNEN-AI ABOUNDS. Don't say I didn't warn you. This is a parody of the traditional Vietnamese fairy tale, "The Lampstand Princess." This is my twisted version starring Quatre and Trowa. **NEW SEGMENT ADDED**


WARNINGS: Slight Quatre torture and 3x4 shounen-ai. Yes folks, that's "boy love," literally. That means two guys doing the huggy-kissy-lovey-dovey thing. If you can't stomach same sex pairings, I'd advise you to read no further. If you choose to ignore this warning prominently posted at the top of the page, flaming me will result in my good friends of the Rabid Chipmunk Brigade making a meal out of your car tires. Oh and I post all flames on my website for everyone to laugh at.

DISCLAIMER: Gundam Wing ain't mine. I don't own the suits, nor do I own the characters. The fairy tale "The Lampstand Princess" belongs to the good people of Vietnam. I just borrowed the story and fractured it *coughseverelycoughhack*, threw it in a blender with the G-boys and my good buddy Sage (love you Sage-chan! ^^), hit "Frappe" and this is what came out. Enjoy.

NOTES: The Clever, Observant, and Occasionally Helpful Palace Staff was my idea. They are not featured in the original fairy tale and are added purely for comic relief….and to give Dorothy her comeuppance. And besides, it's sort of an unwritten law that all the pilots have to at least make a cameo in these types of stories, whether they are named or not. Therefore, Heero, Duo, and Wufei will have bit parts in this story.

The Lampstand Princess….er….Prince

By: Sabriel Sylfaen

Adapted from the traditional Vietnamese fairy tale "The Lampstand Princess"

Once upon a time, there was a wealthy and powerful man who had thirty children: twenty-nine daughters and one son whom he loved dearly. Said son's name was Quatre and he was very pretty, with platinum blonde hair and turquoise eyes that sparkled when he smiled, and little Quatre was always smiling. The darling of the whole kingdom was he, with his cheerful demeanor and impeccable charm. Oh and did we mention he was loaded?

Indeed, Quatre would have made quite a catch for any one of the hundreds of female suitors that daily swarmed his father's residence to beg for his hand in marriage. Unfortunately for them (and every other female in the solar system), Quatre was not the type to prefer women. Yes folks, our dear sweet innocent Quatre was gayer than a box of crayons. Needless to say, this produced a lot of problems for his father.

Luckily, the gods were not quite cruel enough to leave Daddy without a viable solution to said myriad problems. In the neighboring kingdom, there lived another wealthy man with a drop-dead gorgeous son. Tall, athletic, intelligent, and polite with green eyes to die for, Trowa was also plagued night and day by giggling schoolgirls (and quite possibly a number of giggling schoolboys in drag), all of whom were unwanted, as Trowa also had a lot in common with the box of crayons we mentioned earlier. As an added bonus, he was completely infatuated with the blonde-haired son of his father's business partner. So much so, in fact, that when he heard of poor Quatre's dilemma, he immediately crafted a very eloquent letter requesting the boy's hand in marriage.

There was a surplus of broken noses resulting from pratfalls when Trowa's letter arrived. Small white facial bandages became all the rage at the Winner estate for about three weeks.

But these small inconveniences (and the loud snoring at night) were all worth it in the eyes of Quatre's father, who finally had a valid reason to get rid of all the simpering females hanging about their doorstep night and day. Brandishing the letter, he loudly proclaimed, "MY SON IS BETROTHED! HE'S OFF THE MARKET! GET LOST!" 

And there was much weeping and wailing. A three-mile long train of rejected suitors cried rivers all the way back to their respective kingdoms. A rather nice oasis sprung up from the desert sands in their wake. (The reader will be amused to know there was a similar scene at the Barton estate when Quatre's ecstatic letter of acceptance was received.)

And so it was decided. Quatre would travel to the neighboring kingdom and there become the spouse/life partner of Trowa, thus freeing both their fathers from the bother of finding wives for sons who didn't like girls anyway.

===

*Later that same day, Barton Estate*

"WAAAAAH!" Duo hollered at the top of his lungs, stampeding through the palace at top speed. "HEERO! SAGE! WE'VE GOT NEWS!" Waving a piece of paper over his head, long braid flying out behind him like the tail of an extremely genki comet, he beat feet out into the courtyard, through the gardens, and into the stables, where he promptly tackled the first person he saw. Sage, none too happy about being suddenly bum-rushed into a haystack, promptly smote him with a conveniently located horseshoe. Duo collapsed in a heap with a muffled, "Ouchies….."

"Schmuck," Sage growled, picking bits of straw out of her dark blonde hair and brushing off her clothing. Leaving the braided boy to twitch on the dirt floor, she went about her merry way refilling the water buckets. As she was finishing up, Heero walked in and nearly tripped over Duo. Only a very OOC flail and an exaggerated turn kept his balance. He glanced at the body on the floor and then up at Sage, brow furrowed.

"Sage," he said calmly, "why is Duo unconscious on the floor?"

"Because I cold-cocked him with a horseshoe," was the simple, straightforward reply.

"Ah."

"….."

"….."

"I suppose we'd better wake him, huh."

"Yes, we're only delaying the plot by leaving him there."

And thus it came to be that Duo was splashed with a trough of cold water. He awakened spluttering and swearing and immediately glomped Heero, still waving the paper.

"WE GOT NEWS!" he repeated once he had gotten his breath back.

Heero nonchalantly reached around to the back of Duo's neck and turned down the volume knob he found there.

"We've got news!" Duo said again at a more tolerable level. "Master Trowa's gettin' hitched!"

Now it was Heero and Sage's turn to yell. "WHAT?!"

Sage made a grab for the paper and scanned it incredulously. "Why the bloody hell would he be getting married?! He's turned away every princess, noblewoman, and worthy peasant daughter within a hundred leagues."

"Oh just you wait," Duo chuckled, purple eyes glittering with mirth. "It gets better. Remember that cute blond that was here for a month last summer? The Winner kid?"

Sage's hazel eyes widened. "Oh dear god………."

A wide toothy grin from Duo. "Yep."

Heero turned on his heel and very calmly walked out of the stable. A few seconds later, he commenced to bang his head against the wall in what sounded like a very painful manner.

"Must…..purge…..hentai…..mental…..images….." Bang, bang, bang. Duo giggled maniacally at the lovely chaos he was causing.

'And a check mark for Wednesday,' he cackled to himself.

"But why would Master Trowa marry another boy?" Sage was wondering as Heero reentered the stable with a small trickle of blood running down his forehead.

"Well DUH!" Duo said, poking the side of his head with his index finger. "Cause he likes boys, dummy! In case you haven't noticed, Master Trowa's about as purple as they come. He's just not ostentatious about it."

"He's what?" Heero leaned over and whispered an explanation. Sage's eyes went wide as saucers once again. "Holy fu-……"

"Yes I imagine there'll be unholy amounts of THAT goin' on once the Winner boy gets here," Duo smirked, shooting Heero a saucy wink. Heero went outside again, a bit faster this time.

Bang, bang, bang bang bang bangbangbangbangbang.

"That sounds like it hurts," Sage commented.

"Aa….."

Bangbangbangbangbang THUD.

"I think he just knocked himself out."

"Wouldn't surprise me. Let's just hope this wasn't another one of Hee-chan's dismal suicide attempts. I'm having a good day."

At that very moment, the Barton's rather gruff and prone-to-glowering cook decided to make an appearance.

"Onna, you're expected in thirty minutes to serve supper," he stated without preamble, eying Sage's slightly muddied clothes with distaste. "I suggest you change." Sage stuck out her tongue at him.

"Up yours, Chang, you prat," she retorted.

"Fei-chaaaaan!" Duo squealed happily, flying across the stable to tackle a none-too-happy Wufei.

"Don't even think about IT!" *thud*

Hay flew in all directions and an enraged roar shook the rafters.

"MAXWELL! INJUSTICE! PREPARE TO DIE!"

Sage watched the furious Chinese boy chase her braided friend toward the house, howling what were no doubt some blistering obscenities in his native language. After a moment, she stooped, got a good solid grip on Heero's left ankle and made her way up to the residence, dragging the unconscious stable boy along behind her.

'Yup, just another typical day at the manse…..hope that Winner boy knows what he's getting into.'

===

A few days later, preparations for Quatre's journey to the neighboring kingdom were completed. The trip would include a five-day journey over water and another three days journey over land. Quatre, of course, was out of his mind with excitement and barely slept a wink the night before his ship was to set sail.

The following morning dawned sunny and clear and utterly perfect. Quatre was thoroughly hugged and kissed goodbye by each of his twenty-nine sisters, which took quite a while, before exchanging a more manly farewell with his father, who was trying his best not to cry as his only son, his baby boy, walked up the gangplank and into adulthood. The entire household of the Winner estate stood on the docks as the ship cast off at full sail, shouting and waving. Mr. Winner successfully managed not to cry until the ship was out of sight.

"They grow up so fast," he mused as one of his daughters handed him a tissue.

Quatre, having no such compunctions about crying in public, promptly broke down as soon as he stepped away from the rail, earning him some odd looks from the crew.

"I'm OK!" he said in as cheerful a voice as he could manage. "I'm just excited and sad and happy and a little scared all at once. Tends to make me a bit weepy." He blotted his cheeks with his sleeve and sniffled before going below decks to cry his heart out for a little while.

Six hours and a brief nap later (crying always made him sleepy), Quatre emerged onto the deck, fresh as a daisy and twice as cute. Smiling pleasantly, confusing the sailors to no end, he leaned his elbows on the starboard rail and watched the sun, golden-pink in the western sky, as it slowly sank into the endless purple sea.

'I've suddenly been transplanted into a shoujo manga,' he thought absently before his thoughts drifted to his spouse-to-be. 'Ah Trowa…..my Trowa…..' From there things went swiftly downhill, his thoughts ranging from the ridiculously sappy and fluffy to the dangerously-close-to-hentai. Of course, Quatre being the innocent little angel that he was, his idea of "hentai" was pretty tame. Still, the very idea made him shiver slightly. 'I can't wait…..'

Little did he know that on a balcony several hundred miles away, Trowa was gazing at the dimming sunset and thinking exactly the same thing.

===

*Seven days later….*

"He should've been here by now," Trowa muttered as his long legs crossed the floor of his room for the nine-hundred-forty-fifth time. The ornate carpet was starting to look a bit worn.

"Master Trowa, you're wearing a hole in the carpet," the braided boy on the settee informed him. Either Trowa didn't hear him or he didn't particularly care. He had paid a fish merchant at the docks to send word the moment Quatre's ship arrived. Seven days with no word was making him edgier than a long-tailed cat in a rocking chair factory. His angel was overdue, therefore something must be horribly wrong.

"I'm sure he's fine," Duo said calmly, as if reading his mind, toying with the end of his braid. "There's a perfectly reasonable and non-traumatic explanation I'm sure."

"Probably just bad sailing," Sage added as she entered the room carrying a tray. "Lunch, sir."

"Listen to Sage, man, it's probably nothing. He's just a day or so late because of bad weather or something."

Trowa paused in his nine-hundred-sixty-eighth circuit of the floor. "Bad weather…?"

"Yeah, maybe rough seas kept em outta port for an extra day, no biggie. Maybe a squall blew em off course and they had to backtrack. It is storm season after all," Duo rattled on, completely oblivious to the look of growing horror on the taller boy's face. "Sudden storms spring up all over the place around this time of year along the coast, especially around the cape, some of em can get pretty nasty, but since Mr. Winner's rolling in it, he probably hired the best navigators he could find so that shouldn't be a problem. Course, there's always the hurricanes you gotta watch out for, but we haven't one of those in what, ten years? And there're no pirates for miles so it's unlikely that his ship got attacked….."

As the braided baka continued to yammer, Sage noted with no small amount of irritation the fact that her employer's one visible green eye was getting wider and wider.

"Not to mention, the sea serpents have been real quiet this year. I dunno, maybe they migrated or something, but that's a silly idea, isn't it? I mean, do sea serpents even migrate at all? Where would they go? Anyway, I'm sure he's fine. He'll be here before you know it," Duo finished with a cheerful grin and a thumbs-up.

Sage glowered at him. Trowa was paler than the linen bed sheets.

"E-Excuse me," he said in a slightly shaky voice. "I need to go angst now."

More Death Glares from Sage. "Baaaaaaaka."

*THWAP*

"Ite!"

===


End file.
